When Life gives you Lemons…..

It’s been a while since I have posted on here. I apologize to myself for that. The last 2 months have been more than a bit of an emotional roller coaster. First of all, being on this journey is not even a little bit easy. If you are not for real overweight, then you can’t truly understand this journey. Understand that I’m super happy for you (that is not sarcasm, but for real joy that you do not have to understand this emotional pain). Depression is also a very real thing. It is so hard to be eating carrots every day, and still not losing real weight. Then that’s compounded by some super skinny chick at work who walks around eating fast food every day and munching on cake…..I just wanna throat punch skinny high metabolism freaks sometimes. lol

So, anyways, I was given some bad info, but I’m still not even sure it was bad info. A co-worker has a letter from our insurance company approving her for weight loss surgery. When I found this out 2 months ago I was so excited. How life changing is that! I can have surgery, and this journey will become at least “doable”. I went to the surgery seminary. I learned that weight loss for an obese person (yes, that is what I am) is exceptionally harder than you think. Your brain thinks your body is supposed to be fat, so when you start losing weight if freaks out. It makes you crave things you aren’t  supposed to have. Basically a fat brain is just a jerk, and wants you to be fat. I thought “no wonder I’m having such a hard time”. I left so excited, and ready for real change with help from surgery. Well because I have bad karma or something, my insurance company has informed me that this surgery is excluded from my coverage. They also cannot tell me how my co-worker was approved (stupid HIPAA laws). So, depression makes you take this blow super hard. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, now it’s time to figure out how to make this happen on my own. Willpower it is! So, with the encouragement of a couple of old high school friends I’m trying something new. Paula is going to join me on this journey. So, starting today we are going to do the Whole30. Basically, we can eat lots of fruits, veggies, un-processed meats, eggs and nuts. We cannot have grains, legumes, dairy, sugar, and junk food. So, the next 30 days should be interesting. Actually, it may not be THAT hard. The sugar thing will be the one that is the hardest….it’s in everything.

Now, to how my night/morning has gone….

I think getting a good nights sleep is gonna be a great kickstart to this Whole30 thing. Get the dogs calm and sleeping at a very decent time (this is a miraculous thing btw). Then our dogs start barking at something outside. Get them calmed down again only to have the neighbor ring the doorbell at 10:30 for help catching her dog. Now my dogs are up and barking again cause the doorbell rang. Needless to say, an early night did not happen (and we didn’t catch the silly dog). So, I get up extra early today so I can make some eggs for breakfast and lunch. Wouldn’t you know it…..one of the “sweet responsible people” in my house used the last egg and didn’t say a word. I always have eggs in my house. ALWAYS!! So, I think, no big deal. I will buy a cup of boiled eggs from Hyvee. So, I leave the house with my cashews and a green pepper. Get to Hyvee, find the cup of eggs, bottle of water, and a banana. Go to pay….and of course I don’t have my wallet. Yep, no time to go home and get it either. So, here I sit at work, on freaking snow cone day…ugh, with my green pepper. Breakfast and lunch are gonna be grand today….and all I can think is if someone offers me a donut then the Whole30 diet can go screw itself cause the last 12 hours have basically sucked. lol  OK, not really! I have way more wheel power than that.

So, we will see how this goes….Life gave me a buncha lemons in the last 12 hours….if I could have sugar I would make lemonade. We all know I can’t do that. So, instead I’m hoarding the lemons to throw at the skinny high metabolism freaks. Figure that’s less offensive that throat punching them. lol

 

Stress and eating….

So, to say that this week has been a little stressful is an understatement. Between issues with the youngest kid’s bad attitude, a major plumbing problem that basically shut us down for 2 days, and the normal issues everyone faces….well it has been a week. I would love to say that I was able to power through all this, and be completely victorious. However, that would be a big old fat lie, and defeat the purpose of this soul searching journey.

In the last 48 hours I have consumed not 1 but 2 Mt. Dews. Ugh. Not even sure why I drank them, other than that they felt comforting during the stress. I also ate some chocolate, which I’m not gonna lie, tasted damn good. lol

I have to say that had it not been for Paula I would have eaten lots of bad things last night, and yesterday wasn’t even stressful. 😦  I have a stash of bad things in my underwear drawer….don’t even ask. lol  She was supposed to be asleep, and I snuck in there to get something to snack on. She didn’t even move from where she was laying. She just simply said “you don’t need that”. I even tried to convince her that I did. I realized in that moment that I’m a food junkie. Yep, a bona fide junkie. I think we should have a support group for people who just need a Twinkie. You know with sponsors you call at 2 am to say, “Help me. I’m gonna take a bite of this luscious sweet cheesecake, and I’m going to wash it down with this 32 oz soda that I plan to guzzle”. Yes, I know there is always Weight Watchers, but they are just expensive. Also, why can’t vegetables taste like chocolate…that would solve the whole problem. I mean if brussel sprouts smelled like fresh baked cookies instead of dirty socks people would be eating the crap out of them.

I still haven’t been on a single walk. I could make every excuse in the world, but honestly, none of them would matter. I’m not making any excuses. It just needs to change. Boom! Take that Julie Kirks….get off your butt and walk!

In spite of all the “not so good moments” this week, I still managed to lose 5 pounds. Woot! While it would have been cool to have been more than that I am proud to be a “loser”. lol

What can I do better this week? NO MORE SODA!!!!!

What is my short term goal for today? Walk….go for a walk. Even around the block is better than sitting on the couch. 🙂

What happens at the lake stays at the lake…..unless you blog about it.

Sorry, I was a bit out of touch the last few days. We spent our holiday weekend at the lake house. No connection to the real world there. Only water, cards, drinks, and food….very bad food.

We had some of the most delicious food though. Oh we had this pulled pork that was to die for. Nachos. Burgers. Potato salad. Cowboy beans, made with love by my love. It was all so flippin good, and of course not on my diet. Everywhere I turned was more food that wasn’t good. I partook in the madness, but did so with some reservation in portions. Not as much reservation as I should have had though. Basically, the diet was a wash. I’m only confessing because I need to be able to see this later.

Yesterday though I mowed the lawn, which is pretty good exercise. The only meal I ate all day was dinner. That was not good, but hey I didn’t use too many calories. lol

So, the lesson is this, today is a new day with no mistakes in it. I have my water bottle sitting here full and chilled. I have a healthy breakfast. I brought a very healthy lunch. Tonight we will be having a healthy dinner. So….the weekend can kiss my booty cause today I’m killing it. 🙂

What I did good this weekend: I got lots of exercise walking up the giant hill mulitiple times at the lake. I also could have done way way worse in the way of eating bad things.

What I will do good today: I will eat the good food I brought. Drink lots of water. Go for a good walk.

Birthday Celebration

So yesterday my son turned 17 years old. First of all, how am I even old enough to have a 17 year old?? Somehow I feel like that is for a different blog. lol  He had some buddies over, and there was pizza, cake, and ice cream. Wow, all my faves in one location. This was going to be bad. I wish I could say that I was victorious, and confronted the temptation with the strong will of a 2 year old (minus the crying and kicking of the feet). Alas, the pizza was too much. I had a couple pieces of pizza.

Now, in the past I would have gotten all down on myself, and maybe I should have. Fortunately for me, I just didn’t see the point of getting all mad at myself. It was just pizza for my son’s birthday. That doesn’t mean that I fell off the wagon. It just means I chose to eat pizza. You know what? I got up this morning, and the sun was still in the sky, and the birds were still singing. The world did not end because I ate some pizza.

The celebration part for me is that I did not have cake or ice cream. Now hindsight being what it is, I now kinda wish that I had eaten the ice cream instead of the pizza. Mmmmmm I really like ice cream. I was strategic when buying said ice cream though. I purposely bought the kind that I could do without. 🙂  Gotta say that was pretty smart.

So, what did I do right yesterday? I avoided cake and ice cream at a party.

What can I do better today? salad salad salad…….I’m eating salad today.

It Had to Happen…

Posting this morning. So, I stepped on the scales this morning. Having to reach deep inside me this morning. That number! OMG that number! It’s the largest it has ever been. I am so angry with myself. How could I have done this to me? It’s no wonder I have felt so terrible the past month. So very angry. I want to grab myself by the collar and scream at me. I want to go military drill sergeant on my ass. I want to throw things and yell. I mean of all the stupid and irresponsible things a person could do to themselves.

However, instead I need to do something I have possibly never done before. I am going to forgive myself. I don’t have a time machine. So, I can’t go back and fix it. I can create a new future. I AM NOT THAT NUMBER. IT DOES NOT DEFINE ME! IT WILL NOT DESTROY THIS MOMENTUM!

So, I have my water. I have something healthy for breakfast. Lunch is going to be a little sketchy today. That is because I went and left my wallet at home, and I was supposed to have a $2 6″ turkey sub today. No wallet means no money. lol However, it will all be fine.

I also started back on my depression medication last night. Hopefully that will help me not be an emotional eater. We will see. Right now all it has done is give me a headache.

What will I do right today? I will drink my water, and go for a long walk. I will also constantly remind myself that stupid choices in the past do not dictate my future.

That is all until next time. 🙂

Day 2….I think I can! I think I can!

Well, today wasn’t so bad. I drank lots of water, and not a single Mt Dew. Woot for me. I logged into myfitnesspal, and logged my meals…well, I still need to log dinner.

Today, I bought new scales. The ones we had were broken. Tomorrow morning I step on them. I’m nervous, but I refuse to cry. I mean the scales just say that the past wasn’t good. I already know that. However, the past does not have to dictate the future. Tomorrow is going to be a great day. I will rock it!

So today’s post is short and sweet. So now to the official part.

What did I do good today? I drank lots of water. I mean crap tons of water. I also used 6,363 steps. Not bad.

What can I do better tomorrow? I WILL go for my walk. My excuse today was that it was rainy. However, that was just an excuse. Walking WILL happen tomorrow.

So, this is it for today. Like I said, not a perfect day, but a good one. Certainly better than yesterday.

The First Day…

Well, so here goes nothing. I have never blogged before. Shoot, I’m sure some of you are wondering what the heck I’m trying to do. I’m even sure some of you are laughing at how bad my page look. lol  However, this is not about you. This is completely for me. I’m just letting you in on my journey.

Today is the day that I decide for me that enough is enough. In the past, I have wanted to change for my kids, or to make my partner think I’m sexy. None of that is good enough. This is for ME. I’m good enough to change for. I want to be able to breathe better. I want to look good in clothes. Wait, no, I want to look damn good in clothes. I want to be able to sleep without needing a CPAP machine (which I don’t have because they are do ding dang expensive – but that is for another blog lol). I want to not be tired all the time. I want to stop being depressed. This is about me feeling better about me.

So, in an effort to do better, I’m going to blog about my journey. If you want to follow along, you are more than welcome to. I’m putting this out there, not for the soul sake of accountability, but rather so when I hit a rough patch I can look back and see all the good. I need to be able to give myself a pat on the back. I need to be able to tell myself that, ya maybe this wasn’t a good day, but look at the past week cause it was amazing.

So read or don’t read. Maybe this will inspire others. However this isn’t the purpose at this time. The purpose is to tell about the scenery on this long tough journey. So, today, what did I do right. Well, I went to the store for the first time in about a month. (don’t even ask what we have been doing for the last month…cause it wasn’t pretty….just ask the boys). I went with a list. Oreos and other yummy stuff were not on that list. Neither was the bane of my existence….Mt. Dew. On my list were things like chicken breast, vegetables, fruit, healthy snacks, etc.. Today is a new day. Tomorrow will be even better. I will be starting with eating healthy and taking a daily walk. This is only the first step. I have an entire person to lose. So, the journey will not be short. I’m sure I will trip and fall some, but I WILL get up and keep going. I’M WORTH THIS!!!!!!!